The thing about Capricorns is that we are built to burn out. Even with a Sagittarius cusp pulling me back (or fueling the fire), my whole M.O is doing new things and doing them well. Hyperproductivity and perfectionism are the name of the game, baby — until it becomes unsustainable.
Somewhere along my warpath, I didn’t so much remember as was slapped in the face with the realization things are also supposed to be fun. At least, your hobbies are. So much of this year was a fugue of traveling, working, and planning; “fun” fell by the wayside. I felt guilt sweep around me, permeating the room when I wasn’t “productive enough” with my personal projects.
Today is my 26th birthday — I am in the throes of packing, surrounded by the collective grief of millions as the newest COVID-19 variant burns through lives — and I am rejecting this unsustainability, rejecting existing in this state of constant burnout.
I am peeling back the year until I am left with nothing but the live laugh love of it all. And I want to celebrate this day with you by — in absolutely no proper order — sharing some of the things that brought me joy this absolutely tumultuous year.
Art
I have never been artistic, never known how to draw anything beyond a stick figure. This did not stop me from buying an iPad and immediately downloading Procreate. And the thing is, making art when your expectations are on the floor reminds you that you can make terrible art, absolutely hideous art, no arbitrary expectation of your work being perfect — or even good. Art for the sake of joy.
This is the very first thing I drew and it remains my favorite:
Writing
I suppose this one was a given. I have a handful of works in progress and a truckload’s worth of poems. I have ideas and projects and a fixation on sonnets and all of this, every day, grounds me in who I am. Doesn’t just bring me joy but drowns me in it.
This is a poem I wrote for one of my best friends, Sabeen, who asked for a summer poem. It is short and unedited and written in my notes app but I would still like to share it.
summer creeps like ivy but spring sticks to my skin in layers peeling clothes off sweat off / peeling skin popping blisters / peeling petals off lilies and maybe it's the masochism but the weight of it soothes like a balm heavy on my chest heavy on my bones and here the air is sickly sweet but i sink into it like molasses dream about swimming violets blooming on the shore peaches sprouting in the sand sink and we are not our sorrows sink and we are not just surviving sink and we are kissed by the sun
Friends
Mindy Lahiri (played by Mindy Kaling on The Mindy Project) wisely said, “a best friend isn’t a person, it’s a tier.” Without my tier, I do not know if I’d have made it to 26. Highlights include:
Going to Chicago with a little dip into Michigan. I saw Kiersten and Amrutha, ate so much good food, sat in a boat, met Latitude in person, and sang bad karaoke.
A short, three-day trip to New Jersey in which Sabeen and I both said “I have dinner plans tonight but let’s meet up tomorrow” and they were the same dinner plans.
I saw my babes Lubs and Yus and had a burger so spicy I had to sign a waiver.
An annual tradition of going to the state fair with Madiha. I absolutely plan on keeping this up after I move.
Listening to Red (Taylor’s Version) at Irene’s shiny new apartment and going feral. And then watching the All Too Well short film with Emily and Maria the next day and decorating cookies with anti-Jake Gyllenhaal propaganda.
Dance practice with my sister (I’m not making a whole family section, she can go here) in which I consistently demonstrate my lack of rhythm. Embarrassing? Extremely. But fun, to be sure.
A fresh start
In August, the panic of being a chronically ill freelancer four months out from being kicked off my parents’ insurance finally kicked in. I started a salaried position based in New York. It felt mostly the same. Same hours, working from home, same life really. After what felt like months of apartment hunting, I signed a lease with two roommates in Brooklyn. I am — while I should be packing — planning the decor for my 70s themed bedroom, messaging back and forth with my roommates about couches, mailing air fryers to the apartment. I’m moving in two days (wow I should really pack) and I absolutely cannot wait. From the subway tiles to the rooftop, each piece of the apartment feels like a piece of me. A shedding of my old skin. I am thrilled to see what grows in its place.
Four is my favorite number so that’s all the joy you’re getting out of me. I will spend this birthday deciding if I really need to pack multiple typewriters, sending emails for work, and lighting my birthdate candle (and then immediately bubble wrapping it). I hope the holidays and the new year are good to you.
xoxo,
Noor
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